


Harald the Lousy

by grayspider1974



Series: A Viking Bestiary [2]
Category: Vikings - Fandom
Genre: Other, masturbation in private
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-16 22:36:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10580907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grayspider1974/pseuds/grayspider1974
Summary: In which Harald and his brother Halfdan combat millions of tiny vermin





	

**Author's Note:**

> Harald Finehair is based on a real person, King Harald I of Norway who is famed for uniting all of Norway under one banner and one God, so if you think Vikings represents a pagan Utopia destroyed by nasty Christians you should probably hate him more than Aethelstan. The sagas relate he was a ferocious warrior and savvy politician, and his many nicknames include Finehair, Fairhair, Bluetooth (the phones are named after him) and Hadrada (which means "Hard Rider" or "Hardass") and his detractors called him "the Lousey"   
> Aoli is not only good for sandwiches (or "smoorbrod" as they are called in Northern Europe) it really is a fairly effective natural treatment for head lice!

"Just sit still," said Halfdan the Black. "It's almost ready." Harald's brother sat with a large wooden bowl in his lap, beating a mixture of egg yolks, olive oil, lemon juice, garlic and salt together. He paused, and tasted the thick yellow aoli off the end of his whisk. "We'll make smoorbrod with what's left over. C'mon...Hvitserk said that this is what the Nasty Nun said to use when he and his brother got crotch crickets. It should work on head lice too."  
"Feh!" said Harald as he scratched his head.  
"How's your pecker?" asked Halfdan. "Is it healing?"  
Harald glowered at his brother. "None of yer damn business, Halfdan!"  
"I'm just askin'," said Halfdan "in case it turns green and falls off...."  
Harald growled, but let his brother dump half the bowl over his head and work it in with his fingers. Then he took a pig's bladder and pulled it down over his brother's head and ears like a condom, and most of the rest of the aoli went on his own head. "Hvitserk said to leave it on overnight and wash it out in the morning," said Halfdan. Then he peeled a couple of hardboiled eggs, chopped them up and added them to the remainder of the aoli along with some from minced dill and spread it on two slices of rye bread, and then garnished these with sliced radishes and pickled beets. For a merciless killer, Halfdan had a talent for preparing food. The two brothers ate in silence until Halfdan said "I guess we'll be staying in tonight. I'll set up the chessboard, or would you prefer to play cards?"  
"Feh!" said Harald.   
They played chess for three hours, until Halfdan began to droop and yawn, so he curled up in a ball and went to sleep, snuggled all tight in his bed while visions of homicide, rape, arson, petty and grand larceny danced in his head. Harald chortled, for he knew that his brother was a world-class criminal but he looked as innocent as a babe when he slept. When he was sure his brother was fast asleep, Harald unlaced his pants, pulled out his member and inspected the golden ring that pierced his foreskin...yes, the infection was healing nicely, and the ring rotated easily and without pain. He had discovered that having a piercing was really rather fun, and while his member was not the biggest (he'd seen Bjorn Ironside in the sauna once, and the sight of that peculiar purple pecker was a disturbing memory) but it was not the smallest, and big enough to get the job done if his princess hadn't broken her vow and married a complete tosser in his stead. "Well, if no one loves me," said Harald "I must love myself...." as he settled in for a quiet wank followed by a good, long cry. He finished by wiping his hands and nose on a discarded sock, and then he curled up on his bunk. "I'm better off without that slattern anyway!" Harald said to himself, and settled in to the dreamless sleep known only to the truly innocent and the utterly damned.


End file.
